Must I Captain?
by twice the rogue
Summary: Spirk, Spock pondered, assessed and finally concluded,despite the fact that it was totally illogical to be in love and even more so with somebody who got themselves into grave danger at least once a week, He loved Jim. And that meant he had to leave.
1. The facts of the matter

Disclaimer: I do not own star trek and I am not making any profit off of it.

Short chapters, updates twice a week, enjoy.

Must I captain?

Chapter one: The facts of the matter.

The thing about James Tiberius Kirk was that even though he had an extraordinary ability to get himself into more trouble than any living being should be able to it was paired with the ability to come up with rather unique, totally illogical and dammed right bizarre ways of getting out of it. The third thing that anybody (especially those who had to work under him) ought to know about James Tiberius Kirk was that despite all odds being against him these illogical plans seemed to always save himself and his crew from near death. If Spock hadn't been a Vulcan he would have called it luck, but as it was Spock couldn't actually figure out how it was that when every situation with a less than a million to one chance of getting out alive came along Jim somehow mucked around with the way the universe worked and survived. The odds that Jim was still alive despite every insane alien; super computer; Neanderthal like hostiles; previously undiscovered space madness; aging virus; feme fatal or disembodied highly intelligent humanoid; in the so far discovered universe had tried to kill Jim were ninety-eight trillion fifty- six billion seventy-eight million one hundred and ninety-four thousand thirty-four hundred and two to one. Spock did not believe that there was any singular disembodied everlasting omnipotent being interfering with the lives of lesser beings, but if on some off chance there was, it had Jim's back.

Now, Spock was a Vulcan and it takes a lot to worry a Vulcan but three years after walking onto the bridge of the Enterprise for the first time Spock decided in a very logical manner it was time to worry. It was part of a first officers job to keep the captain safe, and with Jim Kirk as captain Spock had to be the hardest working first officer in the fleet. Yet it was worse still, because when Jim Kirk inevitably got himself into trouble and inevitably came up with an illogical plan to fix it Spock was inevitably forced to do something completely against his grain, something illogical and undignified. And at the end of this illogical task when they had somehow managed to survive yet again in one living breathing piece Jim Kirk would smile clap him on the back and say 'job well done ' and sit in his command chair looking somewhat pleased with himself whilst Spock would sit and think to himself 'what the hell just happened here?' (and then silently forgive himself for thinking the word hell, his mother was Human after all). But there was still something even worse than all this, another reason Spock had to worry, another thing that played on his usually well-behaved mind, something that had crept slowly in. He had pondered assessed and finally concluded the last inevitable fact of this matter.


	2. Illness

Must I Captain?

Chapter two: Illness.

Spock had started pondering the problem a month ago when he had caught himself almost smiling at the captain, true the captain was giving Spock his wide signature smile and Spock was feeling that strange lifted slightly dizzy sensation that he got whenever the Captain smiled at him, but for the first time he asked himself why? Why did he want to smile? Why did he experience such strange sensations? He had never questioned them before as they seemed so natural, they had built up slowly and caught him unawares and now that he realized he was thoroughly unsettled. So, after his shift had finished he sat quietly in his room pondering the matter till the next morning. His pondering had led him to fifty-four causes, though only three of them were actually possible. The first, and definitely most probable was that yet another virus or spore was affecting him and that this was causing these strange sensations. He had heard of various different viruses that could work their way into the nervous system lie dormant for years unnoticed before certain conditions were met and they started to have an affect on the carrier. That being the case he got up stretched his stiff limbs and went to the sick bay. He could remember the conversation with McCoy word for word.

"_Ah Mr. Spock, and why do you grace us with your presence today?"_

_"I have reason to believe I have contacted a virus or am being inhabited by a symbiotic life-force."_

_McCoy stared at him with a classically dumbfounded expression for a moment._

_" Well I didn't know you'd got your medical degree Doctor Spock. And why may I ask do you think that there's something wrong with you?"_

_" Because I have been having unnatural responses to certain stimuli."_

_" What responses and what Stimuli?"_

_" The response is a weird sensation as if levitating and a sense of dizziness paired with the temporary difficulty to control emotion." Spock didn't think it prudent to mention the fact that it was the presence of the Captain that seemed to bring about these responses. Doctor McCoy considered himself a good psychologist but he had the bad habit of judging Spock's psych by Human terms and he did not want to rebut whatever psychological causes McCoy decided to offer, it was after all a waste of time._

_McCoy raised an eyebrow._

_"I see. And are there any other physiological changes?"_

_" Slight rises in heart rate and temperature, a respiration increase and at times an unsettled feeling in the stomach."_

_McCoy gave an annoyingly smug grin. _

_" Would you say that's comparable to having winged insects fluttering around in your stomach?"_

_" I have never digested live insects Doctor. You know well enough that Vulcans are vegetarian."_

_"Whose the girl Spock?"_

_McCoy's statement seemed to suggest that he thought Spock's condition was a physical response to the emotion desire, if it had any weight to it this diagnosis would support Spock's third hypothesis. But as it was Spock put it down to McCoy's habit of romanticizing the most trivial of things. He decided not to answer and didn't have to wait long before McCoy added to his statement._

_" It's sounds like you've got a crush, and a powerful one at that. Tell me truthfully now, is this stimulus your referring to the presence of a young lady?"_

_" No it is not." Spock answered truthfully. " And I have never known of a Vulcan to have a crush."_

_"Just because you've never known it doesn't mean it's not possible."_

_" Doctor, I must insist upon a full body scan to check for the presence of unusual spores, viruses, symbiotic life forms or bacterium."_

_" Vary well Mr Spock, but don't be surprised when I don't find anything. What you've caught can't be seen with a scanner nor can be gotten rid of with a pill."_

The body scan showed nothing unusual and Spock had to consider his second hypothesis, however much it displeased him to do so.


	3. The day Spock had noticed the clouds

The day Spock noticed the clouds.

He hated Jim. It was more likely than the third option but it still made him incredibly uncomfortable. Vulcans are not meant to hate but he was only half Vulcan. Jim treated him as a friend with trust and affection, and he may hate him. There were a few reasons, that he could think of that some people may (perhaps him included) see as reasons to hate their captain. There was that day, the day that he felt happy, the day Jim took it away from him.

_He had never noticed the clouds never felt this rush of.. of? He had never felt it so he couldn't quite identify it but from what he had read it was perhaps elation, or maybe the elation was due to something else. Contentment, happiness, maybe these things. Then there were the feelings not there, the feeling of not fitting was gone. He belonged, he belonged here, he belonged with Naomi. He liked these feelings, and these sensations, the slightly musky scent of his coupling with the soft tender woman beside him. The sound of her slow breathing and feeling of her skin against his, cool compared to his. He felt another new sensation, a kind of tightness in the region of his heart A whirlwind sensation in his stomach region. He had named this love, he had told her without reservation that he felt love for her. He wanted to spend endless days here, working in the morning on the farm and then making love under the warm sun of the mid afternoon, sleepy evenings curled together reading books and falling asleep next to each other. It was a pleasant thought, one he had never considered to be a valid option for his life before._

N_aomi had been pointing at clouds and translating their random shapes into those of familiar objects. He listened to her fascinated by the child like game then noticed one cloud that did actually remind him of a dragon, how a cloud could look like a dragon he did not know._

_" That one looks like a dragon." He said pointing up at the sky._

_" I have never seen a dragon before."_

_" I have on Alfa seti five. But I have never stopped to look at the clouds before."_

_He started wondering about clouds and rainbows and how delightful they were and how it was he had never noticed before how delightful they were then the dizzying happiness flooded him again and he turned to Naomi and found those soft lips waiting for him._

Jim had taken the happiness away, replaced it with anger, anger at his friend calling his mother an encyclopedia, his father a computer, telling him he was an over grown jack rabbit and saying the words he had secretly always feared that he was not worthy of love, not worthy of loving anybody. It was illogical but it was something his human side seemed to cry out for.

He knew of course that the happiness was an unnatural one and that he would have wasted his life in farming and making love without a care for scientific inquiry. It was wrong, he had been born with the mind of a scientist, he received, if not happiness then at least fulfillment from answering the questions of the universe, discovering the before undiscovered. He knew that it was illogical to miss something he had barely glimpsed and to feel some resentment at it's loss but he briefly had done at the time. When he had held Naomi for the final time and told her the truth that he was not built for joy, that he had chosen to dedicate his life to star fleet, to serve the crew and his captain the man who as he spoke those words he felt some illogical anger towards.

Did he still hate Jim? Did he unknowingly still feel that resentment? Was his Human side more in control than he thought it was? Certainly in those rare times when he had become tired and forgone meditation he had found himself thinking of the day he had looked at the clouds and felt happiness and had felt a strange half longing for some element of it, the warmth of another body besides his own. The relaxed hazed after love making and the relaxed company whilst laying on the grass resting. But he did not miss Naomi herself, in fact when he thought of these things another face came into his mind.

He did not wish to hate Jim. But he could understand why his Human side might. It was not just that he had taken away the only semblance of happiness Spock had ever felt, there were other reasons as well.


End file.
